I guess you could say that for me it is easier to write
about the things that I find joy in rather than the things that bring me great
stress or sorrow. Today, I have really struggled with my purpose. I have been
missing my kids, I am confused about religion, I have had a lot of changes take
place at work and I am a little bit of a mess.
This is Marty’s week with the kids and the second week that
he has had them while being married. I was really upset by Jordan and Madi last
week when I had them. They just fight all the time, Jordan blames Madi and Madi
blames Jordan. I just wish that they could say kind things to each other. I
have talked with Marty about my concerns and I called and talk with Craig my
father-in-law about Jordan due to being concerned. He threw a cookie at Madi
and was just being mean with name calling and other teenager behaviors. So
Monday at Korbin’s last baseball game I hurt Jordan feelings by getting people
involved that I felt could help him. He feels like I don’t love him and that is
so far from beyond how I feel.
If I could let him know that I prayed for years to be able
to have a baby, to be able to be a mom. I loved him before I ever knew him and
then once he was here it was, “how did we live so long without him in our
lives.” I am sure every parent can express and feel the same way.
Jordan is special. He was from the minute I knew about him.
I loved him with more love than ever imaginable. He was so happy when he was
little. He had a fun goofy old soul about him. He lit up a room with is big
brown eye and happy smile. He is honest, kind, helpful. Things have changed
him. Life experience and I am sure I am part to blame with divorcing his
dad. The point is that I love him. I
need for him to know that I love him and his siblings.
As far as religion goes is I feel that there was enough
psychological abuse. I was responsible to get the kids going while he slept in.
If he was up and we were running late then it was yelling and screaming at the
kids to be getting ready. It wasn’t peace and love. There wasn’t prayers,
family home evening, and so many more important subjects I don’t even want to
get into. I was often made to feel like
I was an unspiritual loser. Not good enough, etc. and that the man is superior
in the LDS religion.
I wanted to bad to be married in the temple, be a mom, pray
together, and learn the scriptures together… I had all of these hopes and
dreams and I feel like that has all been numbed right out of me.
I have worked so hard for so many years trying to make
things work, trying to put on the happy face that all was well, trying to keep
us afloat financially, trying to juggle being a mom, wife, employee, sister,
daughter, friend, church and I’ve lost me… I lost the magic in my eyes, I didn’t
want to write anymore, hike, learn guitar, run, or anything. I came to a point
for about three years before I finally filed for divorce that I didn’t want to
live. I did what I had to and a crappy
job to take care of my kids. The three that mean the entire world to me.
Today, I am just hurting… I am hurting that his new wife who
hasn’t had any of her own kids is a “stay-at home-mom”. I am hurt that I was
worried about Marty being about to make it after the divorce that I did push
things that I should have. I am mad that he is selling our house to move into
Dixie boundaries when that is where I wanted to live.
I have sacrificed and given a lot to a very selfish man.
I hope this empty hurt will go away very soon…. I don’t want
to hurt… I don’t want to miss my babies… But I do…
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