April 9, 2016

I am struggling tonight. I am very upset and I am having a hard time not letting my emotions control me. Tonight, I got the kids back from Marty. He always forgets something, always. Tonight he forgot Madison meds and the hamsters. Without asking he brought a bunch of boxes that are the kids things to store in the garage. He is putting his house on the market and moving with getting re-married, he has made sure that I am well aware that she isn't going to have to work and that if she needs to help with the kids she can. He has also lectured me on how she is going to be their mom as well and that she loves them and is so good to them.

See, the things is, I am their mom. There wasn't nothing more joyful in  my life then the three times that I was pregnant with each of my babies. I loved them before I even knew of them. There was nothing more that I wanted to do then to be a stay at home mom and to help raise them, be involved in their schooling, take care of our home, teach them.

I didn't have this chance when I was married. New Jordan shoes, hunting, new trucks, being lazy with not wanting to go to church but for sure making it look like it. Always in debt, lack of work, and a million excuses.

I am hurt. I am angry. I want to cry but I think that has broken. I have to be strong. I have three beautiful kids, I have them this week and I need to make the best of the time that we have together. I need to make sure that they know how much I love them.

Here is a quote that I came across.

"Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal."